be still, my heart

i don't like that feeling in the pit of my stomach.
it's making me sick.

quote lola:

"its the second time im going through the 'what now?' stage and i must say, im still not very good at it. i thought i'd be wiser and smarter, my heart tougher, but this thing called love, drives me crazy and my thoughts into a frenzy. my mind tells me one thing but my heart says another. i want to fall deeper but my mind is keeping me safe, holding me back, making me give sensible replies like 'no, i dont' to 'i miss you, do you?'s. i dont know what im getting myself into, its like dipping my hand in a lucky draw box, its like doing those orientation games where they blindfold you, its all based on trust, they say. its true, i have faith."

i love reading her blog. it's so... REAL. so frank it scares me.
it just speaks what i feel deep down inside.
i cannot really put it into words.
argh. that's the problem. i always have trouble transforming feelings and thoughts into words, and i'd end up using cliché words like, happy or whatsoever.
but she does it just so easily! which annoys me, frankly.

quote Clinton:
"i’m so depressed that term 2 is not going my way.
ong clinton, you better buck up on your studies. first your SSM presentation sucks to the max, next you are failing your FMA paper. you want to get kicked out of scholarship is it? don’t think that good grades in year 1 will mean that year 2 and 3 will be smooth sailing. you bloody please wake up from your illusion! always don’t do tutorials and study last minute. gehkiang lah, now you really deserve to get a damn fucking lousy GPA. you are too complacent! overly-confident about yourself! you think you are some genius?! WAKE UP ALREADY!
i swear i’ll break down soon if anything else screws up. ): "

i remember beating myself up like that not long ago. really. just about 4 months ago?
after receiving my Sem 2 results slips and finding out i was rejected for Dip. Plus.
i remember distinctly, this moment, all the empty promises i made to myself.
and no matter how hard i beat myself up, procrastination still gets the better of me.
the lack of motivation still demoralises me.
"What's your ambition?" Shayenne asked Clinton and I today, after Melissa, Bryan and Dickson left for their GEMs after lunch.
Clinton shook his head and said he doesn't know, something business-related, perhaps.
I was, honestly, appalled that this almighty achievement-oriented guy who beats himself up like a drunken father to a child for every little mistake he commits, has no ambition.
or maybe he was just unwilling to share, but i guess it's unlikely?
i asked then what's the motivation behind all his hard work, if he had no ambition.
he said monetary incentives from the scholarship programme.

i wish i could find something to inspire me.
something that can actually sustain and not die off after some time.
that talk with weixiong a month ago really inspired me and gave me insights into what i really want out of my life.
i saw how he is fulfilling his life now, and made me see that this stupid desire of mine to own monogram Griet or Montorgueil is so frivolous and shallow.
but as the day goes by, the fire in me that was ignited and burnt so fiercely, extinguished.
i need to keep the fire going.
will you help me?

---

kynan stayed over on 22 & 23 (:

because my brother and sister-in-law went Bintan for a short short short holiday getaway.

mummy giving kynan a bath.
i love to take pictures of him having baths (not because he's naked la!) but because he is damn adorable!! (recalls the cheeky photo, which is like the entire family's handphone wallpaper now..)

my dear dear love, i miss you! <3

after school yesterday, headed down to NYP with Melissa and Kellin to watch Shayenne's hockey match.

we took an hour to travel there.

caught 10mins of the first half, and 6mins of the second half, before the judges decide that the rain was too heavy for the players to carry on with the game.

and we got stuck in the tent for like an hour.

my topshop super girl underwear was soaked. ugh.

and we wasted 2hours for 16mins worth of match.

how suay can we get?

but nevertheless, it was fun!

Shayenne Bitch #2 (jersey #5) got hit in the ankle by Bavani's ball.

she was in so much pain she couldn't stand up. thinking back i think i was quite apathetic towards her. HA.

melly and i in NYP's toilet.
melly was damn random and wanted to see whether their toilet was better than ours.
HELLO, if you think that even MRT's toilet is better than SP's then of course NYP's toilet would win SP's hands down right?

headed to Toa Payoh for Subway. why tpy? because Melly wanted to go shop at Toa Payoh Central for cheap loafers, but you know, we were so god-damn tired.
Subway was delicious! AH. haven't ate such fresh, crispy and fragrant Subway for a very long time... (Melly said it was just because I'm starving at that moment, that's why. another reason being the company -.- )
had a very long chat, and following up was a little walk around the area because suaku eastie Melly has never been to Toa Payoh before.
"You go e!hub before meh? huh huh huh?"
wah lao. always use e!hub as ur shield. i'll make sure i visit e!hub during class chalet.

"I also very eager to get home but still got 10 more stops. Zz. plus still must take bus from paris. Omg."

"Haha! you typed paris!"

"Haha i know! i live in paris what you dunno meh. Can see the eiffel tower from my room's window. Cool ah. Next time come my hse i show you!"

wah lao. why my class full of these kinda spastic people?
Clinton not enough. There's still Bryan and Dickson. plus now Melissa.

Melissa Ong Swann Lin! You bitch with your stupid mian bao fetish! who didn't believe i really made you a Ai Xin Mian Bao! here! evidence! (i even forgot to bring my Subway cookies to school for breakfast because i was chiong-ing your bread!)
You cheated my feelings! ):
You said if I made you Ai Xin Mian Bao then you'd come school today, but you didn't.
You broke your promise and along with it, my heart!
BOOHOO. so disappointed can!
after school Dickson and Bryan were like asking, "hey, then your bread how?"
I am so going to smash it square in your face tomorrow! but first, i hope it grows mould over the night.