my inferiority complex I

i've updated my blog! (:
as everyone can see... i've included photos in the "welcome" page of my blog, as well as a counter...
i dont really see a need for it larh. cuz i dont think my blog is so widely-read but oh wells, monk asked me to put it up, and so i put lor.
it's pretty interesting.
i had a hard time choosing one that i like and wouldn't deem as too childish and would last long.
it was tough, contemplating between two and i finally chose this one! it's created along the "ransom" theme and i think it's cute (:
up next is a neoprint!

taken quite long ago larh. 23rd november...
hahaha.
haiya. think you all keep seeing photos of me and my monk also see until sian le. >.<>.<>

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

i read xiaxue's older posts yesterday.. (and this is the one that triggered my thoughts and emotions flowing...)
and i've thought about a lot of things...
i could understand how she exactly felt because I too, felt sick of being constantly compared to other fellow dunmanians..
not only does others(parents, friends, relatives, teachers, blablabla) compare myself to them, but I too, compares myself with them.
and at times, i feel really inferior.
i know i may seem bubbly, cheerful, optimistic, outgoing and blah, but yeah, there's just this teeny weeny part of me that has this inferior complex.
i remember, the day of releasing results, people cry because they got like, 9 instead of the 8 in prelims.
or that they start getting worried they cannot get into HC or TJ or VJ etc.
while me, i just cried because i got 14.
it was totally inconceivable for me to get a 14 when i got like, 27 for prelims.
i practically halved my score.

yeah. i understand how she feels when she says that she would top the class without much efforts or whatsoever. because it happened to me too.
i was a prefect.
i was the top scorer for almost every chinese test, aside from the PRCs.
i was at least top 20 in my primary school durin PSLE.
i was National's First in Bilingual Translation Competetion 2001.
tada! my history is a record!
but when i came to dunman, i was a nobody.

i think this is the theory with "big fish in a small pond and small fish in a big pond"
in my neighbourhood primary school, i was a big fish in a small pond.
but when i came to dunman, i was the latter.
nobody even scouted my talent when the Translation Competition was held again.
why? simply because the teachers' visions were clouded by so many other talents in the school.

my results were not bad in secondary 1 & 2..around average.

my result book.

my secondary one SA results slip.

my secondary two SA results slip

my secondary three CA results slip.

my results really deteriorate in secondary 3 onwards.
basically because Miss xxx sucked.
and also, i had to handle subjects that i could not cope with, i.e. AMaths & Physics.
it was really hard for me to handle with these and i wonder why i didnt drop the subjects last time and screwed up my life.
i took more bread than i could chew larh. and also indulged myself in putting all the blame to miss xxx but i didnt like, get motivated to find solutions and work hard by myself until the problem snowballed. (i mean, it's demoralising for me you know! maths, being one of my good subjects and all of the sudden it plummeted to the lowest valley)

and now, i've screwed up my life even further.
by entering NY.
i play but
i do my daily work (probably except maths cuz i take like, an hour or two to solve a quesiton)
i revise
i study
and i dont know why i still got BCME (GP) SSUCC
(SUCK! you see?) but it's better than the UUUCD in midyrs larh.
but i guess it wasn't enough. it really wasnt.
and i got retained.
and seriously, it sucks. especially when i'm branded as a dunmanian.
i've been feeling like a failure since sec 3 til i was numb.
but that doesn't mean that more failures wouldn't deter me.
i was hit and smacked right in the face.
i really wonder did i make the wrong decision to stay in NY after first 3 months?
i mean, there were definitely good things that happened to me:
knowing monk, jia xin, wing yan, xiu jun, julian, siu hon, tiara, anandhi, xueting, etc etc.
being elected as the CO president.
and probably the LTC that made me molt like hell and also experiences that i've learnt.
and basically, that's all.
there's really nothing valuable that i'd like to take away with me.
and there's nothing valuable that makes me wanna stay.
especially now that i've been retained.
and i am starting to wonder if JC education really suits me.
and i am starting to regret not listening to my brother and going to poly in the first place and tortured myself in NY.

exasperation? indignant? inferior? ashamed?
nothing could describe the feeling i feel deep down inside.
i sometimes cannot face gatherings with dunmanians.
i feel so inferior i dont want to mix around with people i dont feel comfortable with.
probably because i've been rather hurt by insensitive people in 0631, i'm afraid of being hurt. again. and feel further inferior. that's why i didn't attend class gathering this year.
with my entire class in RJ, HC, VJ and TJ. i dont want to be the odd one out in NY.
it's like i've always been mixing around with the best people, and i dont like feeling like i'm the worst, the black sheep in the group/class.
i'm so sick of feeling so dispensable.
like everyone could do well without me.
i'm so sick of being the last in class.
i'm tired that the one that has the most degree will win the race.
but that's how the society is like. (okay. i think i'm digressing a little here)

anyway, i've gotten over the fact that i've been retained already.
so dont go:

"are you ok?"

"are you really ok?"

"how are you feeling?"

what i really need now is advice if i should stay or leave.
but i think i've already got my answer.
nevertheless, if anyone has any advice for me, please please please tell me.
i really need it.

maybe it's time for a change