you start to wonder why you're 'here' not 'there'

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move, I'm shakin off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're 'here' not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can u see what I see

They're tryin to come back, all my senses push
Un-tie the weight bags, I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now

Gonna run till you can't walk
But something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need

What u need, what u need...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Oh, do u see what I see...

---

i'm scared. i'm really really scared.
my heart is sinking by the second.
my stomach is down in the pits i can't find it.
my intestines are all tangled up in fear, anxiety and ambiguity.

what happens next?
i don't know.
i've been calling every half an hour.
every half an hour.
half of me dying to reach someone, to seek clarifications.
half of me reluctant to hear the words, afraid they'll break me into pieces.
but no one is answering the phone.
the answering machines are killing me, but yet a part of me feels relieved.

i've come so far.
i chose SP not because my brother was here before, but because of this.
and now, no letter.
no letter of notification.
yanling got hers 2weeks ago.
the email last month said successful applicants would be notified by end of march.
yet, no news, no news at all.

"Don't worry," I assured myself, "the letter's probably lost in the mail. Just call and ask and you'd find your name on the list. Tell them you didn't receive the letter and all will be fine."
The paranoid Carmen then question, "Would something like this happen? Wouldn't the Singapore Post take more care in delivering letters from organizations and schools with their big names printed on the envelope?" and my heart sank, a few centimetres down.
"You sure my name is on the list?" the little red thing that keeps me alive sank further, and with it, the weight in the pit of my stomach grew heavier.
"Even my French letter has reached me, how could the letter for Dip.Plus be lost?" my heart and brain feels like they're burning, burning with questions, hopes, desires, ambiguity, confidence, disappointment, doubts.

"I'm sure it's just lost in the mail. Just call and ask and you shall receive."
yes i'm sure.
and half of me is in denial.

time to call again.


it's over.

---

I was blown away
What could I say
It all seemed to make sense.
You've taken away everything
That I can't do without.

I try to see the good in life.
But good things in life are hard to find.
I'll blow it away, blow it away
Can we make this something good?

(well i'll try to do it right this time around)
let's start over,
I'll try to do it right this time around
It's not over
Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me
But you're the only one
It's not over.

I've taken all I can take
And I cannot wait
We've wasted too much time
Being strong and holding on
Can't let it bring us down

My life with you means everything
So I won't give up that easily
I'll blow it away, blow it away
Can we make this something good?
Cause it's all misunderstood

(Well I'll try to do it right this time around)
Let's start over,
I'll try to do it right this time around
It's not over
Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me
But you're the only one
It's not over.

We can't let this get away
Let it out, let it out
Don't get caught up in yourself
Let it out.

Let's start over
We'll try to do to it right this time around
Its not over
Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killing me
But you're the only one
It's not over.

Lets start over
It's not over

Yeah yeah
This love is killing me
But you're the only one
It's not over

---

i really wish i could say "it's not over".

you start to wonder why you're 'here' not 'there'...